Golf Jokes

Funny golf jokes are fun to share both on and off the course.

The game of golf is the only sport where you can spend four hours in a beautiful, manicured park and leave feeling like you’ve been through a car wash without the car. We survive the struggle through the power of humor. I’ve personally heard some great jokes waiting for the foursome ahead to find their golf balls or in the clubhouse after a round.

Mike O’Halloran, author of three sports joke books, shares his favorite golfing jokes.

On Sports Feel Good Stories, we believe sports should make you feel good. While a triple-bogey doesn’t feel great, a well-timed joke at the 19th hole certainly does. This is your definitive guide to golfing humor.

The Leaderboard: Top 10 Golf Jokes of All Time

Here are my favorite golf jokes from the whole bunch.

1.) The Marriage Trap: A man is about to tee off when a funeral procession passes by. He stops, takes off his hat, and bows his head in prayer. His friend says, “That’s the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.” The man replies, “Well, we were married for 40 years.”

2.) The New GPS: My swing is so slow that the GPS on my golf cart doesn’t tell me yardage—it just keeps asking if I’m still alive.

3.) The Doctor’s Orders: My doctor told me to take up golf for my health. Now I have high blood pressure, a sore back, and I still haven’t lost a pound.

4.) The Optimist: A golfer hits a ball into the woods, hits a tree, bounces off a rock, and lands an inch from the cup. His friend says, “Great shot!” The golfer replies, “Yeah, but I was aiming for the one next to it.”

5.) The Bargain: Golf is the only sport where you can buy $1,000 worth of equipment to find $2 worth of balls in the woods.

6.) The Honest Caddy: Golfer: “Do you think I can hit the green with a 5-iron?” Caddy: “Eventually, sir.”

7.) The 19th Hole: Golf is a game where you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five because you’re too tired to count.

8.) The Definition: Golf: A game in which you claim to be a “scratch” golfer because you spend the whole round scratching your head.

9.) The Lost Ball: If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball on the 14th fairway.

10.) The Ultimate Truth: The difference between a golfer and a fisherman is that a golfer doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove he’s a liar.

Browse our fun collection of golf quotes.

The Tee Box: Quick One-Liners and Short Golf Jokes

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-one.

• Golf is a lot like taxes: You go for the green and end up in the hole.
• My golf game is so bad that I had to have my ball retriever regripped.
• A “gimme” is an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.
• I’m not saying my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
• The only thing a golfer needs more than a longer drive is a shorter memory.
• Golf: A game where the ball always lies poorly, and the player always lies well.
• I don’t say my golf game is bad, but I’ve had better times at the dentist.
• I hit a “hole in one” once. It was a gopher hole, but it counts.
• If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
• Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
• The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
• I play golf in the low 80s. If it gets any hotter than that, I’ll go back to the clubhouse.
• A good golf partner is someone who is slightly worse than you are.
• They call it golf because “all the other four-letter words” were taken.
• My swing is so slow that the GPS on my cart keeps asking if I’m walking.
• I’ve spent more time in the sand than a hermit crab.
• The difference between a golfer and a fisherman? When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
• I’m a “scratch” golfer. I scratch my head every time I hit the ball.

Explore our best golf team slogans.

Golf Dad Jokes: The Ultimate Cringe Collection

What did the golfer say when he was asked to join a foursome? “Tee-ks for asking!”

• My wife told me to stop playing golf because I’m obsessed. I told her, “That’s not ‘fore’ you to decide!”
• What is a golfer’s favorite shirt? A tee-shirt.
• Why don’t golfers like to gossip? Because they prefer to stay on the “fair-way.”
• What do you call a golfer who’s always in a hurry? “Fast” and the “Fore-ious.”
• What kind of music do golfers listen to? Swing!
• What’s a golfer’s favorite snack? A “club” sandwich.
• What did the golf ball say to the club? “You really move me.”
• Why did the golfer become a gardener? He was already used to working with “greens.”
• What’s a golfer’s favorite drink? A “tee” with lemon.
• What do you call a golfer who is good at math? A “count” on the scorecard.
• Why did the golfer carry a compass? To find the “North Hole.”
• Why did the golfer cross the road? To find his ball on the other side.

The Fairway: Golf Puns and Wordplay

I’m having a “tee-rific” day, how about you?

• Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching at home.
• What is a golfer’s favorite letter? “T.”
• Why did the golfer get frustrated with the library? They wouldn’t let him use his “driver’s” license.
• What do you call a golfer who is always in the woods? A “tree-mendous” player.
• Why do golfers hate cake? Because they’re afraid of the “slice.”
• What do you call a lion playing golf? A “Roar-y” McIlroy.
• Why did the golfer go to the bank? To get some “green.”
• Why did the golfer carry a compass? To find his way out of the woods.
• Why do golfers prefer small cars? Because they’re easier to “drive.”
• What do you call a haunted golf course? A “par-anormal” experience.
• Why do golfers love the beach? Because they spend so much time in the sand anyway.
• What’s a golfer’s favorite vegetable? “Greens.”
• What do you call a golfer who is always hitting the pin? A “flag-rant” offender.

Explore our Editable Golf Certificates for your league or tournament.

The Bunker: Golf Jokes About the Struggle

I’m not saying I’m bad at golf, but if I were a fish, I’d be a sand-shark.

• Why did the golfer stay in the bunker for two hours? He thought he was “building a beach.”
• My golf game is so bad I don’t buy new balls. I just go to the woods and wait for them to come to me.
• A golfer asks his caddy what to use in the sand. The caddy replies, “A shovel.”
• I’m not a “pro” golfer, I’m a “pro-crastinator.” I put off hitting the fairway as long as possible.
• My instructor told me to “keep my head down.” I’ve been looking at my shoes for three years now.
• Why do I play golf? It’s the only way I can get a “four-day weekend” in four hours.
• A golfer tells his wife he lost three balls in the water, two in the woods, and one in the ball washer.
• I’m at the point where I don’t need a scorecard. I need a calculator.
• I asked my caddy why he kept looking at his watch. He said, “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”
• Why is golf better than work? When you mess up, you don’t get fired—you just get a higher score.
• I hit a ball into a backyard. The homeowner asked if I wanted to stay for dinner since my ball was already on the grill.
• My favorite part of the bunker is the “exit.”
• I’m not saying I hit it into the rough often, but the squirrels know me by name.
• I asked the pro for a lesson on hitting it straight. He told me to “get a new hobby.”
• Golf is a game of “misses.” I just happen to “miss” the fairway more than most.

Funny Golf Jokes About Bad Shots

My short game is great—if the goal is to keep putting repeatedly.

• My slice is so consistent, I don’t aim for the fairway; I aim for a different zip code.
• I didn’t hook the ball… I just gave a strong suggestion to visit the trees.
• My drive had a beautiful arc. Unfortunately, it was shaped like a boomerang.
• I finally fixed my slice… now it’s a hook. Progress?
• I don’t always miss short putts, but when I do, I make sure everyone is watching.
• That wasn’t a bad shot. It was an aggressive exploration of the rough.
• My ball spends more time in the woods than a camping enthusiast.
• I hit a great drive… if the fairway had been 50 yards to the right.
• I read the green perfectly. it just disagreed with me completely.
• My putting strategy is simple: hit it past the hole and hope for a better second try.
• I didn’t miss the putt. I just gave the hole a warning shot.
• My golf ball has commitment issues. It refuses to stay on the fairway.
• My slice isn’t a flaw. It’s a scenic tour of every hole on the course.
• I aimed straight, swung smooth… and the ball filed a flight plan of its own.

The Putting Green: Precision

The easiest shot in golf is your fourth putt.

• Why did the golfer bring a ruler to the green? To see how much he missed by.
• I’m a “two-putt” golfer. Unfortunately, I usually have to “three-putt” first to get there.
• My putting is like a bad GPS: It tells me to go straight, but I always end up taking a detour.
• Why do golfers talk to their balls on the green? It’s the only time they can “get a word in edgewise.”
• I hit a putt today so slow that a snail gave it a “thumbs up” as it passed.
• What’s the difference between a golfer and a politician? A golfer actually wants to get “in the hole.”
• I’m not saying the greens are fast, but I breathed on my ball, and it rolled into the next zip code.
• My putting stroke is like a nervous twitch: Unpredictable and hard to watch.
• I once had a putt so long that I had to pack a lunch halfway through.
• Why do golfers use markers on the green? To remember where they failed.
• I hit a “lip-out” today. It was the ball’s way of saying, “Not today, buddy.”
• Why do golfers crouch down to read the green? They’re praying for a miracle.
• Why do golfers hate slow play? It gives them too much time to think about their putts.
• What did the golf ball say to the hole? “I’m coming for you… eventually.”
• I’ve started using a “long” putter. It doesn’t help my score, but it makes a great walking stick.
• Why do golfers close one eye to read a putt? They can’t handle the full “horror” with both eyes open.
• My putting game is like a “mystery novel.” I have no idea how it’s going to end.

The Caddy and The Pro: Professional Golf Humor

Caddy: “Sir, I think you need a five iron.” Golfer: “I think I need a drink.”

• Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes, sir. You’re missing the ball much more gracefully now.”
• Why do caddies make the best psychologists? They know how to handle people who are “losing it” one stroke at a time.
• Golfer: “How do you like my new clubs?” Caddy: “They’re great, sir. But do they come with a ‘swing’ included?”
• Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100!” Caddy: “Try moving your ‘head’ first, sir.”
• Why do pros get paid so much? Because they have to “deal with us” amateurs.
• Golfer: “What’s the best way to get to the green from here?” Caddy: “Take a taxi.”
• Why did the caddy quit? He couldn’t “carry” the golfer’s ego anymore.
• Golfer: “Is there anything I can do to improve my score?” Caddy: “Yes, sir. Stop playing.”
• A pro golfer’s favorite movie? “Caddyshack,” but they call it a “documentary.”
• Golfer: “I think I hit a bird!” Caddy: “Sir, that was a ‘birdie’ opportunity you just blew.”
• Why do golfers trust their caddies? Someone has to be responsible for the “bad advice.”
• Golfer: “This club feels ‘off’.” Caddy: “It’s not the club, sir. It’s the person holding it.”
• A caddy’s motto: “Show up, keep up, and shut up.”
• Golfer: “I’m going to ‘aim’ for that tree.” Caddy: “Sir, you’ve been hitting that tree all day without ‘aiming’ for it.”
• Why do caddies wear white? So they can blend in with the “surrender” flags.
• Golfer: “What’s the secret to a great swing?” Pro: “Forget everything you just did.”

The 19th Hole: After-Round Golf Jokes

The 19th hole is the only place where every golfer is “under par.”

• I had a “spiritual” round today. I was in the “wilderness” for most of it.
• My wife asked how my round was. I told her I “broke 90.” She asked, “In the first nine or the second?”
• Why is the 19th hole the most expensive? Because that’s where the “truth” comes out.
• I told my friends I was “retiring” today. See you all at the tee box tomorrow at 8:00 AM.
• What do you call a golfer who has a bad day? “Typical.”
• Why do golfers love the 19th hole? It’s the only place where they don’t have to “keep their head down.”
• My golf game is like a “broken record”: The same mistakes, over and over again.
• I had a “heart-to-heart” with my clubs today. They told me it’s not them, it’s me.
• Why do golfers wear flashy clothes? So the “search party” can find them in the woods.
• I told my wife I was “working on my short game.” I was actually just napping in the cart.
• Why do golfers have so many “excuses”? Because the “truth” is too painful.
• I’m a “fair-weather” golfer. If it’s raining, I’m at the bar; if it’s sunny, I’m still at the bar.
• I had a “revelation” today: I’m better at “talking” golf than “playing” it.
• Why do golfers never say “goodbye”? They just say, “See you on the first tee.”
• Golf is a “life lesson”: Even if you hit bad shots, you’ve won if you can laugh at the 19th hole.

The Miniature Golf Course: Jokes for the Smallest Greens

Why is mini-golf so much easier than the pro tour? Because the windmills never ask for an autograph.

• Why do kids love mini-golf? Because it’s the only place where hitting a ball into a clown’s mouth is actually a good thing.
• What do you call a professional mini-golfer? A “short-game” specialist.
• I love mini-golf because it’s the only sport where a windmill can ruin your career.
• Why did the golfer get frustrated with the windmill? He kept getting “blown away” by the difficulty.
• What’s the hardest part about mini-golf? Trying to look cool while putting through a purple castle.
• I told myself to stay calm—it’s just mini-golf… then I four-putted in front of a group of 10-year-olds and lost all credibility.
• What’s a mini-golfer’s favorite movie? Stuart Little, because he’s finally the right size for the clubs.
• Nothing humbles you faster than missing a 2-foot putt while a plastic dinosaur watches.
• I hit the perfect shot… until it hit three walls, a lighthouse, and came back to me like it forgot something.
• Nothing tests a friendship like someone saying, “That counts as two,” with absolute authority.
• Mini-golf is 10% skill and 90% pretending that ricocheting off a turtle was “exactly what I planned.”
• Mini-golf: where you can score a 12 on a hole shaped like a pirate ship and still blame the course designer.

Discover our Tips to Win at Mini-Golf.

FAQs about Golf Jokes

Here are some frequently asked questions about golf jokes.

Final Thoughts

Whether you are a scratch golfer or someone who spends more time in the sand than a crab, humor is the best club in your bag. These 150 jokes are designed to keep the mood light and the smiles wide throughout your next round.

Remember that the most important shot in golf is always the next one. If that shot goes into the woods, at least you now have a pun ready for the walk.

I hope these jokes bring a little more “feel good” to your sports life. Share your favorite one with your foursome this weekend and see who actually has the best laugh!

By Mike O’Halloran

Founder and Editor, Sports Feel Good Stories

Mike O’Halloran founded Sports Feel Good Stories in 2009. He co-authored four trivia books for kids under the Smart Attack line. Mike coached basketball for 15 seasons, taught tennis, and has written four books on basketball coaching. He has been a contributing writer for USA Football, the youth arm of the NFL. Mike is the founder of the Fantasy Football Team Names Hall of Fame.

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