These funny basketball quotes are a quick, fun read for your hoops and humor fix. From Charles Barkley to Daryl Dawkins, we’ve got you covered.
And, check out our basketball smack-talk suggestions at the bottom of the page — worthy of a chuckle or two. Enjoy!
Best Funny Basketball Quotes
1.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
2.) When I dunk, I put something on it. I want the ball to hit the floor before I do.
3.) Winning is like deodorant – it comes up, and a lot of things don’t stink.
4.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet and put the darn ball in the basket.
5.) LeBron James still gets criticism. Jesus still gets criticized.
6.) He makes plays you can’t coach, and he makes plays that look like he’s never been coached.
Bill Self comment on point guard Tyshawn Taylor
Humorous Charles Barkley Quotes
7.) All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.
8.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world, and I might be right.
9.) I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I’ve got a technique. It’s called just go get the damn ball.
Check out Girls Basketball Quotes.
More From Sir Charles
10.) Kids are great. That’s one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It’s a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
11.) Yeah, Ernie, it’s called defense, I mean, I wouldn’t know anything about it personally, but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.
12.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world, and I might be right.
Funny Al McGuire Basketball Quotes
13.) Don’t call me son, unless you’re going to include me in your will. (When Adolph Rupp called him, “Son.”)
14.) Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war.
15.) A team should be an extension of a coach’s personality. My teams are arrogant and obnoxious.
16.) The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
17.) Our guys took Shop and Advanced Shop. Shop is when you make a chair. Advanced Shop is when you paint it.
18.) I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated.
19.) If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili is good.
Funny Basketball Quotations
20.) When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
21.) Fans never fall asleep at our games because they’re afraid they might get hit by a pass.
22.) I know the Virginia players are smart because you need 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class.
23.) I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.
Norm Sloan, commenting on zone defense.
You might like the Motivational Basketball Quotations page.
Funny Basketball Sayings
24.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
25.) The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.
26.) They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn’t always stay hot. I know because I eat bagels in the morning.
27.) This year we plan to run and shoot. Next season we hope to run and score.
28.) I liked the choreography, but I didn’t care for the costumes.
Tommy Tune, on why he doesn’t play basketball
29.) Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
30.) We are in the trophy generation. Give them a trophy for 23rd place. That makes the parents happy.
Short Funny Basketball Quotes
31.) Basketball is like photography. If you don’t focus, you’ll only get negative.
32.) Our offense is like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer.
33.) I’m not against taking shots, but I am against taking bad shots.
34.) A tough day at the office is even tougher when your office contains spectator seating.
35.) You can say something to popes, presidents and kings, but you can’t talk to officials. In the next war, they ought to give everyone a whistle.
36.) Scoring 100 points is a lot, but I maybe could have scored 140 if they had played straight-up basketball.
Check out 23 Inspirational Basketball Quotes
Basketball Quotes Funny
37.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
38.) I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.
39.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet and put the darn ball in the basket.
40.) If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.
41.) The other side of this is that a good man has been liberated.
Rick Carlisle, on the firing of coach David Blatt
42.) I really appreciate this award, but I don’t want to win it ever again.
Marcus Denmon, after receiving the Sixth Man Award for the Missouri Tigers.
Hilarious Basketball Quotations
43.) In my prime, I could’ve handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would have only been 12 years old.
44.) This is basketball, not figure skating. You don’t get extra points for the degree of difficulty.
45.) I want us to play mother-in-law defense: constant nagging and harassment.
46.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Humorous Hoops Sayings
47.) If you make every game a life and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.
48.) They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.
49.) If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make it in the NBA.
50.) Me shooting 40 percent from the free-throw line is God’s way of saying that nobody is perfect.
Putting these funny basketball quotes to work
So, you have a few favorite funny basketball quotes in your library now. How can you use them? Well, try these options on for size:
A.) Use a funny basketball quotation to start basketball practice.
B.) Include a few favorites in emails to your basketball team.
C.) Try a good one for a sign or poster.
D.) Use them for captions on Instagram or Facebook.
E.) Text your friends.
What to yell at a basketball game: Smack talk
First of all, if you’re a parent, the overwhelming amount of research suggests that kids want a silent presence at games. Attend the game, appreciate good play from all players, but don’t yell at the refs, the coach, or the players.
But, for other games, or if you’re just talking smack with adult friends during a pick-up game, try these on for size:
a.) I’ve seen more bricks here than at a construction site.
b.) Pack your suitcase because that’s traveling.
c.) There’s always a need for bricklayers.
d.) You must be from Sweden because you got no Finnish.
e.) Hit the showers; your game stinks.
f.) All day, baby!
g.) You reach; I teach.
h.) A million-dollar move with a $2 shot.
i.) Splash! — When you make a shot in front of a defender.
When you’re hot
j.) Heat check — If you’ve made at least two shots in a row.
k.) Call the cops ’cause you were robbed — When you steal the ball.
l.) That’s too much space — Yes, your defender will hate you.
m.) I hope you taped your ankles.
n.) The court is in session.
o.) Your loss is my game.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike has coached basketball for some 15 years, wrote three books on basketball, and is editor of Sports Feel Good Stories.
You’re on the Funny Basketball Quotes page.
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