These funny basketball quotes are a quick fun read for your hoops and humor fix. From Charles Barkley to Daryl Dawkins, we’ve got you covered.
And, check out our basketball smack-talk suggestions at the bottom of the page — worthy of a chuckle or two. Enjoy!
Best Funny Basketball Quotes
1.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Dave Barry
2.) When I dunk, I put something on it. I want the ball to hit the floor before I do.
Darryl Dawkins
3.) Winning is like deodorant – it comes up and a lot of things don’t stink.
Doc Rivers
4.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.
Abe Lemmons
5.) LeBron James still gets criticism. Jesus still gets criticized.
D’Angelo Russell
6.) He makes plays you can’t coach, and he makes plays that look like he’s never been coached.
Bill Self comment on point guard Tyshawn Taylor
Humorous Charles Barkley Quotes
7.) All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.
Charles Barkley
8.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.
Charles Barkley
9.) I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I’ve got a technique. It’s called just go get the damn ball.
Charles Barkley
Check out Girls Basketball Quotes.
More From Sir Charles
10.) Kids are great. That’s one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It’s a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
Charles Barkley
11.) Yeah, Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn’t know anything about it personally but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.
Charles Barkley
12.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world and I might be right.
Charles Barkley
Funny Al McGuire Basketball Quotes
13.) Don’t call me son unless you’re going to include me in your will. (When Adolph Rupp called him, “Son.”)
Al McGuire
14.) Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war.
Al McGuire
15.) A team should be an extension of a coach’s personality. My teams are arrogant and obnoxious.
Al McGuire
16.) The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
17.) Our guys took Shop and Advanced Shop. Shop is when you make a chair. Advanced Shop is when you paint it.
Al McGuire
18.) I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated.
Al McGuire
19.) If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili is good.
Al McGuire
See other great Al McGuire quotes.
Funny Basketball Quotations
20.) When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
George Raveling
21.) Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they’re afraid they might get hit by a pass.
George Raveling
22.) I know the Virginia players are smart because you need 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class.
George Raveling
23.) I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.
Norm Sloan, commenting on zone defense
You might like the Motivational Basketball Quotations page.
Funny Basketball Sayings
24.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Norm Stewart
25.) The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.
Jerry Tarkanian
26.) They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn’t always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning.
Shaquille O’Neal
27.) This year we plan to run and shoot. Next season we hope to run and score.
Billy Tubbs
28.) I liked the choreography, but I didn’t care for the costumes.
Tommy Tune, on why he doesn’t play basketball
29.) Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
Bill Vaughn
30.) We are in the trophy generation. Give them a trophy for 23rd place. That makes the parents happy.
Tom Izzo
Short Funny Basketball Quotes
31.) Basketball is like photography. If you don’t focus, you’ll only get negative.
Dan Frisby
32.) Our offense is like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer.
Shaquille O’Neal
33.) I’m not against taking shots, but I am against taking bad shots.
Hank Iba
34.) A tough day at the office is even tougher when your office contains spectator seating.
Nik Posa
35.) You can say something to popes, presidents and kings, but you can’t talk to officials. In the next war, they ought to give everyone a whistle.
Abe Lemmons
36.) Scoring 100 points is a lot, but I maybe could have scored 140 if they had played straight-up basketball.
Wilt Chamberlain
Check out 23 Inspirational Basketball Quotes
Basketball Quotes Funny
37.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Norm Stewart
38.) I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.
Shaquille O’Neal
39.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.
Abe Lemmons
40.) If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.
Phil Jackson
41.) The other side of this is that a good man has been liberated.
Rick Carlisle, on the firing of coach David Blatt
42.) I really appreciate this award, but I don’t want to win it ever again.
Marcus Denmon, after receiving the Sixth Man Award for the Missouri Tigers
Hilarious Basketball Quotations
43.) In my prime, I could’ve handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would have only been 12 years old.
Jerry Sloan
44.) This is basketball, not figure skating. You don’t get extra points for degree of difficulty.
Bobby Hurley
45.) I want us to play mother-in-law defense: constant nagging and harassment.
Rick Pitino
46.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Dave Barry
Humorous Hoops Sayings
47.) If you make every game a life and death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.
Dean Smith
48.) They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.
Wilt Chamberlain
49.) If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make it in the NBA.
Gary Dornhoefer
50.) Me shooting 40 percent from the free-throw line is God’s way of saying that nobody is perfect.
Shaquille O’Neal
Putting these funny basketball quotes to work
So, you have a few favorite funny basketball quotes in your library now. How can you use them? Well, try these options on for size:
A.) Use a funny basketball quotation to start basketball practice.
B.) Include a few favorites in emails to your basketball team.
C.) Try a good one for a sign or poster.
D.) Use them for captions on Instagram or Facebook.
E.) Text your friends.
What to yell at a basketball game: Smack talk
First of all, if you’re a parent, the overwhelming amount of research suggests that kids want a silent presence at games. Attend the game, appreciate good play from all players, but don’t yell at the refs, the coach, or the players.
But, for other games, or if you’re just talking smack with adult friends during a pick-up game, try these on for size:
a.) I’ve seen more bricks here than at a construction site.
b.) Pack your suitcase because that’s traveling.
c.) There’s always a need for bricklayers.
d.) You must be from Sweden because you got no Finnish.
e.) Hit the showers, your game stinks.
f.) All-day, baby!
g.) You reach; I teach.
h.) A million-dollar-move with a $2 shot.
i.) Splash! — When you make a shot in front of a defender.
When you’re hot
j.) Heat check — If you’ve made at least two shots in a row.
k.) Call the cops ’cause you were robbed — When you steal the ball.
l.) That’s too much space — Yes, your defender will hate you.
m.) Hope you taped your ankles.
n.) Court is in session.
o.) Your loss is my game.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike has coached basketball for some 15 years, written three books on the game of basketball, and is editor of Sports Feel Good Stories.
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