Why did we develop a collection of 99 funny hockey jokes?
Well, for a couple of reasons. The number 99 pays tribute to the best hockey player who ever laced up skates – Wayne Gretzky. The other reason is that we know that hockey players and fans enjoy a good laugh or two.
We think this collection of hockey jokes, puns, and one-liners will generate its share of laughs, groans, and smiles. Enjoy.
Best Hockey Jokes
1.) Why did the hockey player climb up the tree with a hockey stick?
Because he wanted to join the Maple Leafs.
2.) My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing…
They hope he resurfaces soon.
3.) Who is ZZ Top’s favorite hockey player?
Gordie Howe, Howe, Howe, Howe…
4.) Hockey players are like goldfish…
The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass.
5.) I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
6.) I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately, my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.
7.) How are hockey players paid?
Amusing Hockey Jokes
8.) Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?
Canadians bring their ‘eh’ game; Germans bring their wurst.
9.) What was the hockey player’s favorite John Denver song?
Hockey Mountain High.
10.) Why don’t ice hockey players tell jokes?
The ice might crack up.
11.) I went to a hockey store and asked an employee if they had any cheap skates.
They sent me to the manager’s office.
Wayne Gretzky Hockey Jokes
12.) Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?
Hard to say, but they’re gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.
13.) What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?
14.) Why was hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky never in charge of music in his team’s locker room?
He broke too many records. (Note: Gretzky holds 61 NHL records, including single-season records for most goals (92), most assists (163), and points (215).
15.) What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?
16.) Jesus saves. Gretzky on the rebound, shoots, and scores! (Grafitti written on the wall in New York City bathroom)
See Funny Hockey Slang.
Funny Hockey Puns
16- A.) Which hockey position did the ghost play for his team?
17.) What did the cowboy ride to the hockey game?
18.) Why was the hockey coach frustrated with his email inbox?
He had too many forwards.
19.) Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?
It’s all about team spirit.
20.) What was the hockey defenseman’s favorite part of the birthday party?
The icing on the cake.
21.) How do we know that an ice hockey player invented the toothbrush?
Otherwise, it would be called a teethbrush.
22.) When do hockey players wear formal attire?
When it is a tie game.
23.) Why can’t a pig play hockey?
They hog the puck.
24.) What do they serve at the Stanley Cup Final post-game party?
25.) Hockey players are good at making new friends.
They break the ice really quickly.
26.) Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?
27.) If Lays had invented air hockey, it would be just air.
28.) Heard about the young ice hockey player who accidentally got locked in the men’s room?
He was ice-o-lated.
29.) What is Sidney Crosby’s favorite drink?
Good Hockey Riddles
30.) What is the best name for a senior hockey team?
The Jerry Hat Tricks.
31.) Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame situated in Toronto?
So that Leafs fans can remember what a Stanley Cup looks like.
32.) What do a hockey game and an airboat have in common?
33.) Why are the corner boards rounded and not 90°?
Because if they were 90°, the ice would melt.
34.) What animal excels at hockey?
35.) I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team, where they seated you according to what position you play.
Damn, near froze to death on the left wing.
36.) What does a Canucks fan do when his team wins the cup?
He turns off his Xbox.
37.) Why don’t the Columbus Blue Jackets have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.
38.) How do hockey players supplement their salaries?
By contributions from the tooth fairy.
39.) Why was the hockey player arrested and charged?
He shot at a goal.
40.) Where do hockey coaches complete their paperwork?
In the off-ice.
Funny Hockey Riddles For Kids
41.) How many NHL players can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them. Crossbars can’t jump!
42.) What did the skeleton drive to the hockey game?
43.) What do the Edmonton Oilers and the Titanic have in common??
They both look good until they hit the ice.
44.) How was the magician like a hockey player?
They both favored hat tricks.
45.) Why did the rookie NHL player perform poorly in his first outing?
He had cold feet.
46.) What’s the best women’s hockey team name?
Chicks With Sticks.
47.) If you can’t play nice, play hockey.
48.) Hockey players wear numbers because you can’t always identify the body with dental records.
49.) Don’t just set goals, score them.
50.) Hockey: The original extreme sport.
51.) Life is better when we stick together.
52.) Please don’t feed the goalie.
53.) Hockey makes me happy. You? Not so much.
54.) A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can’t hit one another.
55.) Hockey — the cool sport.
56.) Hockey Gangster.
57.) Icing isn’t just for cupcakes.
58.) Stick it to ‘em!
59.) When hell freezes over, we’ll play there, too.
60.) Hockey is figure skating in a war zone.
61.) Don’t puck with me.
Check out our Best Hockey Slogans.
Cool Hockey Captions
62.) Hockey hair, and I don’t care.
63.) Give blood, play hockey.
64.) I went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.
65.) Hockey: Making dentists rich since 1875.
66.) Don’t go through life without goals.
67.) Smooth moves and icy grooves.
68.) 7 out of 10 dentists recommend hockey.
69.) My other car is a Zamboni.
70.) Hockey players can walk on water.
71.) Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.
72.) Our team plays daily; your team plays weakly.
73.) Hockey — the original fight club on ice.
74.) A bad place to be is between me and the puck.
75.) Create new goals.
76.) Hockey is cheaper than therapy.
See our Hockey Dictionary.
Short Hockey Puns
77.) Good puck comes to those who wait.
78.) School is important, but hockey is importanter.
79.) The flow must go on.
80.) Voted most likely to spend the most time in the penalty box.
81.) In hockey, every season is playoff season for your teeth.
82.) My kid cross-checked your honor student.
83.) Hockey and Tacos = Happiness.
84.) I walk on water. What’s your superpower?
85.) Hockey is my favorite season.
86.) Straight Outta the Penalty Box.
87.) Shut your five-hole.
88.) No talky during hockey.
89.) Cross-checking: It’s how I hug.
90.) Hockey is where we live; life is just a place we spend between games.
91.) Very classy until the puck drops.
Funniest Hockey Quotes
92.) All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.
93.) Hockey is the Bloody Mary of sports.
94.) Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.
95.) Arrive at the net with the puck and in ill humor.
96.) A fast body-contact game played by men with clubs in their hands and knives laced to their feet.
97.) We get nose jobs all the time in the NHL, and we don’t even have to go to the hospital.
98.) There is nothing so uncertain as a sure thing.
99.) Sometimes people ask, ‘Are hockey fights real?’ I say, ‘If they weren’t, I’d get in more of them.’
Wayne Gretzky, #99
Bonus: Hilarious Hockey Sayings
100.) Hockey players wear numbers because you can’t always identify the body with dental records.
101.) Half the game is mental; the other half is being mental.
102.) How would you like a job where, every time you make a mistake, a big red light goes on, and 18,000 people boo?
103.) A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can’t hit one another.
I hope you enjoyed our page devoted to hockey humor. Continue to check back as we make additions every so often.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is the founder and editor of Sports Feel Good Stories. A Twin Cities resident, he enjoys watching the Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament each year.
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