Looking for some funny football jokes to tell your friends? We’ve got you covered like the stingiest man-to-man defense.
From the simple, “What do you get when you cross a quarterback with a carpet? A: A throw rug, to the more sophisticated, “My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was obsessed with football. We had been dating for four seasons.”
Remember, delivery is a crucial element. Know the importance of a pregnant pause, and finish the punch line with confidence! Check out the list below.
Best Football Jokes
1.) Q: What do you call 20 Vikings fans in the basement?
A: A Whine Cellar.
2.) Q: What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get squashed on the road!
3.) Q: How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard?
A: Put up goalposts.
4.) Q: What’s the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
5.) Q: What happened to the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers?
A. It went over their heads.
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Good Football Jokes
6.) Q: Why do 49er fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
7.) Q: What type of tea do football coaches not like?
8.) Q: What did the average Patriot player get on the Wonderlic test?
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9.) Q: Why did the dog refuse to suit up for a football game?
A: He was a boxer.
10.) Q: What do you call a football player who never lets the coach win in cards?
A: A benchwarmer.
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Funny Football Jokes
11.) Q: If you have a car containing a Cowboys running back, a Cowboys linebacker, and a Dallas Cowboys defensive back, who is driving the vehicle?
A: The cop.
12.) Q: Why did the football go to the bank?
A: To get his QUARTERBACK.
13.) Q: What’s the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
14.) Q: What does a Minnesota Vikings fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
15.) Q: Did you hear that the Detroit Lions football team doesn’t have a website?
A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.
16.) Q: How many San Francisco 49ers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out, man!
17.) Q: What do you call a mass gathering of Raiders fans?
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Pigskin Wisecracks and Quips
18.) Q: What do a Raiders fan and a bottle of soda have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
19.) Q: What do you call a player who changes agents every couple of months?
A: A Yes-man.
20.) Q: Where do you go to Chicago in case of a tornado?
A: Soldier Field – they never get a touchdown there!
21.) Q: Why doesn’t Toledo have a professional football team?
A: Because then, Cincinnati would want one.
22.) Q: What do you call a genius sitting in the Texas A&M student section?
A: A Visitor.
23.) Q: What’s the difference between the New York Jets and a dollar bill?
A: You get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
24.) Q: Why don’t the Chicago Bears have a website?
A: They can’t put three W’s together.
25.) Q: Why do Cornhusker football players like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
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Hilarious Football Jokes (and a few groaners)
26.) Q: What is the difference between a Dallas Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after a while.
27.) Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it’s a blowout. In this case, the whole team shows up.
28.) Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
29.) Q: Why do ducks fly over Ford Field upside down?
A: There’s nothing worth crapping on!
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30.) I hope both sides have fun.
31.) Easily distracted by football and bacon.
32.) Do you want me to listen? Talk football.
33.) Be yourself unless you can be Patrick Mahomes.
34.) I enjoy romantic walks to the line of scrimmage.
35.) I can’t hear you; the game is on.
36.) JETS: Just Endure The Suffering.
37.) If you can’t play nice, play football!
38.) Classy until Kick-off!
39.) I love you as much as you love football.
40.) Look at me like you look at Tom Brady after he throws a TD pass.
41.) The offense wins games; Pizza wins my heart.
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Football Jokes for Kids
42.) Q: Why didn’t your neighbor’s dog want to play football?
A: It was a boxer.
43.) Q: What did the wide receiver say to the football?
A: Catch you later.
44.) Q: What do you get when you cross two football teams with the Invisible Man?
A: A game of football as you’ve never seen.
45.) Q: Where do football players shop for a new uniform?
A: New Jersey.
46.) Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A: Please give me my quarterback!
47.) Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?
A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”
48.) Q: What do you call an offensive tackle’s son?
A chip off the old blocker.
49.) Q: Where do old quarterbacks go when they retire?
A: Out to pass-ture.
50.) Q: Which NFL team has the coolest helmets?
The one with the most fans!
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51.) An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting alongside the Allies, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The German commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear ‘Rocky Top’ one last time.” The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, please do me first!”
52.) Did you hear about the Buffalo Bills kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage? He missed.
53.) All of the Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest. One day they fell into a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, following behind, peered over the edge of the steep gorge and called out to her fallen comrades. From the depths of the dark hole, a voice returned, “The Detroit Lions are Super Bowl contenders.” Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God! At least Dopey has survived!”
54.) A Bears fan is at a bar with his dog, also a Bear’s fan. When the Bears make a field goal, the dog struts down the bar and high-fives everyone he sees. After another field goal, the dog high-fives everyone in the bar again. The bartender asks the man what the dog would do if they score a touchdown, and the man replies, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for three years.”
55.) The Jets!
Funniest Football Jokes
56.) Which state should the Tampa Bay Buccaneers move to?
57.) Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball!
58.) Why did the football quit the squad?
It was tired of being kicked around!
59.) Why does the skeleton make such a good punter?
Because he was familiar with the coffin corner.
60.) Where do football players go when they need a new uniform?
61.) When should football players wear armor?
When they play knight games.
62.) What did the receiver say to the football?
Catch you later.
63.) What will you get if you cross a telephone with a fat split end?
A wide receiver.
64.) What kind of tea do football players drink?
65.) How did the defense know the halfback was going to run the ball?
He left the huddle crying
66.) How is a football referee like an angry chicken?
They both have fowl mouths. (foul)
67.) Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the football team?
They needed a little team spirit.
Fun Football Jokes
68.) Why shouldn’t you play football in the jungle?
There are just too many cheetahs.
69.) What football game do cats like to watch?
The Goldfish Bowl.
70.) Where do you find hungry football players?
In the Supper Bowl!
71.) Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head.
72.) What do football players wear on Halloween?
73.) Where do football players dance?
At a foot ball.
74.) What do you get when you cross a quarterback with a carpet?
A throw rug.
75.) Who should be the leader of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
76.) What do football players do when they get too hot?
They get closer to some of the fans.
77.) What’s the difference between a quarterback and a baby?
One takes the snap; the other takes a nap.
78.) Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field?
He was trying to make ends meet.
79.) What runs along the edge of the football field but never moves?
80.) What type of football field did NASA use on the moon?
81.) How many Alabama freshman football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore class.
82.) Why did the scrub ask the coach to flood the football field?
He wanted to go in as a sub.
83.) What football play was the detective suspicious of?
The quarterback sneak.
Notable Football Quips
84.) Why don’t the Colts have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.
85.) How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. The rest just sit around and talk about how great the old light bulb was.
86.) What do you call a Jacksonville Jaguar with a Super Bowl ring?
87.) How do you keep the Chicago Bears out of your yard?
Set up a goalpost.
88.) The Chicago Bears visited an orphanage. “It was sad to see their little faces with no hope whatsoever,” said five-year-old Owen.
89.) What’s the difference between a Buffalo Bills fan and a baby?
A baby stops whining after a while.
90.) How can you tell if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup.
91.) How do you get a former Nebraska Cornhusker football player off your porch?
Pay him for your pizza.
92.) Why did the NFL referee check his voicemail after the game?
He wanted to hear someone say, “No missed calls.”
Short Football Jokes
93.) Why can’t Matt Ryan use the phone?
He couldn’t find the receiver.
94.) What do postmen and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?
Neither delivers on Sunday night.
95.) Did you hear how the selfish QB did on his exam?
He didn’t pass.
96.) My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession with football.
We’d been dating for four seasons.
97.) Where do Jedi play football?
On the force field.
98.) What do you call an offensive lineman’s son?
A chip off the old block.
99.) Why did the dog not go out for the football team?
Because it was a boxer.
100.) What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman-ship!
101.) What do football centers wear on their feet?
102.) If the Dallas Cowboys are indeed “America’s Team,” it makes sense that they spend Super Bowl Sunday at home watching the game on TV list the rest of America.
103.) Why did the quarterback toss his Rolex?
Just to pass the time.
104.) The Carolina Panthers are game-changers. Every time their game is on TV, viewers change the channel.
105.) How do you identify a football super fan?
They have a tackle dummy in their living room dressed up as a referee.
Silly Football Riddles
106.) Why couldn’t the Chicago Bears walk into a restaurant?
An end zone was painted in front of it.
107.) Why does it cost only $2 to see a football game in Tampa Bay?
They only charge a Buccaneer!
108.) What do the LA Rams have in common with a 2002 computer?
They run slow and need to upgrade their RAM.
109.) When I found a hamburger half eaten, I thought to myself it must belong to the Atlanta Falcons.
You see, they never finish the second half.
110.) Are the Baltimore Ravens better at football or Angry Birds?
111.) How bad are the New York Jets?
Even Captain Sully can’t land that crash!
112.) Which teams play in the Toilet Bowl?
It’s always #1 versus #2!
113.) Why did the football player cross the road?
To get to the other sideline.
114.) Why do QBs tell easy-to-understand jokes?
So they don’t go over their receivers’ heads.
115.) Why was the Miami Dolphins player called for a personal foul?
He tripped an opponent on porpoise!
Bad Football Jokes
116.) Josh Allen should work at HyVee.
He’s really good at handling sacks.
117.) Why doesn’t Russell Wilson throw in the towel?
It would get intercepted.
118.) Having the Los Angeles Chargers as a rival isn’t that much fun.
There’s just not that many fans to argue with.
119.) The Raiders are one of the most successful NFL franchises in history.
That is if you don’t account for the last 25 years.
120.) What do the Cleveland Browns have in common with Charlie Chaplin?
You can only watch their best moments in black-and-white.
121.) What do you call it when you spend all of Super Bowl Sunday on your phone?
Super Scroll Sunday!
122.) Why do dry cleaners prefer to watch football games from home?
They get nervous around bleachers!
123.) What’s a cornerback’s favorite lottery ticket game?
124.) Why did the Delta plane land on Lambeau Field?
To score a touchdown!
125.) What’s black and white and red all over and has never won a Super Bowl?
The Arizona Cardinals!
Clever Football Wisecracks
126.) What’s the difference between the Buccaneers and the Patriots?
Tom Brady actually enjoyed playing for the Buccaneers!
127.) Why did the vegetables refuse to play football with the mushrooms?
The mushrooms are spore losers!
128.) Why should you be cautious when watching the Houston Texans with an infant?
The Texans are a choking hazard.
129.) Why was Big Foot such a good placekicker?
He trained really hard as a kid. Well, that and the big foot!
130.) Why don’t the Chicago Bears do well in the playoffs?
The post-season is when they like to hibernate!
131.) Why don’t the Minnesota Vikings have phones?
Because they get no calls!
132.) Why did the QB audible at the last second?
It was a snap decision!
133.) What happens to old football players who lose their sight?
They become referees!
134.) What do football centers wear on their feet?
135.) Why don’t grasshoppers play football?
They prefer cricket!
136.) What’s a football player’s favorite ice cream?
Any given sundae!
137.) Where do football defenders go shopping in the off-season?
The tackle shop.
Creative Football Jokes
138.) What is the most popular sport on the Fourth of July?
139.) How was Scrooge the hero of the football game?
The Ghost Of Christmas Passed.
140.) Where do Jedi play football?
On the force field!
141.) What are successful kickers always trying to do?
142.) Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart just wasn’t in it!
143.) What did the football player say to the airline ticket agent?
Put me in, coach!
144.) Why was the football stadium so windy?
It was packed with fans!
145.) What did the mummy football coach say at the end of each practice?
Let’s wrap this up!
146.) What does the abbreviation JETS stand for?
Just End The Season!
147.) What runs around a football field but never moves?
148.) Which player did the QB find easiest to pass to?
The wide receiver.
149.) Why did the Chicago Bears cross the road?
Because it was easier than crossing the goal line!
150.) When is a football player like a judge?
When he sits on the bench!
Tips For Telling Jokes
Telling jokes is an art that requires some practice. Try these out with your family first and then your friends.
A.) Remember, you can adapt these jokes to your favorite team’s chief opponent. If you’re a Packers fan, make the butt of the joke the Chicago Bears or the Minnesota Vikings.
B.) Make sure you have the right audience for your joke-telling. If you have several non-sports fans in the mix, the joke might be destined to fail. Know your audience.
C.) Get the words right. The set-up and the finish must be spot-on.
D.) Have a backup plan. If one of your jokes flops, come back with a tried-and-tested winner.
E.) Confidence is king. If you don’t think it’s funny or question yourself, your audience will sense it. Be sure of yourself. Go in with great material.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is a former contributing writer to USA Football, the youth arm of the NFL, a former football coach, and the editor of Sports Feel Good Stories.
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