Looking for some funny football jokes to tell your friends? We’ve got you covered like the stingiest man-to-man defense. Check out the list below.
Remember, delivery is a crucial element. Know the importance of a pregnant pause, and finish the punch line with confidence!
Best Football Jokes
Q: What do you call 20 Vikings fans in the basement?
A: A Whine Cellar.
Q: What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard?
A: Put up goalposts.
Q: What’s the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What happened to the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers?
A. It went over their heads.
Good Football Jokes
Q: Why do 49er fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: What do Nebraska and marijuana have in common?
A: They both get smoked in a bowl.
Q: What did the average Patriot player get on the Wonderlic test?
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Q: What do the Jacksonville Jaguars and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”
Q: Why are so many Seattle Seahawks players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So they don’t have to touch the pigskin!
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Funny Football Jokes
Q: If you have a car containing a Cowboys running back, a Cowboys linebacker, and a Dallas Cowboys defensive back, who is driving the vehicle?
A: The cop.
Q: Why did the football go to the bank?
A: To get his QUARTERBACK.
Q: What’s the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What does a Minnesota Vikings fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: Did you hear that the Detroit Lions football team doesn’t have a website?
A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.
Q: How many San Francisco 49ers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out, man!
Q: What do you call a mass gathering of Raiders’ fans?
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Pigskin Wisecracks and Quips
Q: What do a Raiders fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do they call a drug ring in Baltimore?
A: A huddle
Q: Where do you go to Chicago in case of a tornado?
A: Soldier Field – they never get a touchdown there!
Q: Why doesn’t Toledo have a professional football team?
A: Because then, Cincinnati would want one.
Q: What do you call a genius sitting in the Texas A&M student section?
A: A Visitor.
What’s the difference between the New York Jets and a dollar bill?
You get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Why don’t the Chicago Bears have a website?
They can’t put three W’s together.
Why do Cornhusker football players like smart women?
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Hilarious Football Jokes (and a few groaners)
Q: What is the difference between a Dallas Cowboys fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after a while.
Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it’s a blowout. In which case, the whole team shows up
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
Q: Why do ducks fly over Ford Field upside down?
A: There’s nothing worth crapping on!
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I hope both sides have fun.
Easily distracted by football and bacon.
Do you want me to listen? Talk football.
Be yourself unless you can be Patrick Mahomes.
I enjoy romantic walks to the line of scrimmage.
I can’t hear you; the game is on.
JETS: Just Endure The Suffering.
If you can’t play nice, play football!
Classy until Kick-off!
I love you as much as you love football.
Look at me like you look at Tom Brady after he throws a TD pass.
The offense wins games; Pizza wins my heart.
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Jokes for Kids
Q: Why didn’t your neighbor’s dog want to play football?
A: It was a boxer.
Q: What did the wide receiver say to the football?
A: Catch you later.
Q: What do you get when you cross two football teams with the Invisible Man?
A: A game of football like you’ve never seen.
Q: Where do football players shop for a new uniform?
A: New Jersey.
Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A: Please give me my quarterback!
Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?
A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”
Q: What do you call an offensive tackle’s son?
A chip off the old blocker.
Q: Where do old quarterbacks go when they retire?
A: Out to pass-ture.
Q: Which NFL team has the coolest helmets?
The one with the most fans!
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An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting alongside the Allies, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The German commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear ‘Rocky Top’ one last time.” The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”
Did you hear about the Buffalo Bills kicker who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage? He missed.
All of the Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest. One day they fell into a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, following behind, peered over the edge of the steep gorge and called out to her fallen comrades. From the depths of the dark hole, a voice returned, “The Detroit Lions are Super Bowl contenders.” Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God! At least Dopey has survived!”
Funniest Football Jokes
A Bear’s fan is at a bar with his dog, also a Bear’s fan. When the Bears make a field goal, the dog struts down the bar and high-fives everyone he sees. After another field goal, the dog high-fives everyone in the bar again. The bartender asks the man what the dog would do if they score a touchdown, and the man replies, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for three years.”
Tips For Telling These Jokes
A.) Remember, you can adapt these jokes to your favorite team’s chief opponent. If you’re a Packers fan, make the butt of the joke the Chicago Bears or the Minnesota Vikings.
B.) Make sure you have the right audience for your joke-telling. If you have several non-sports fans in the mix, the joke might be destined to fail. Know your audience.
C.) Get the words right. The set-up and the finish must be spot-on.
D.) Have a backup plan. If one of your jokes flops, come back with a tried-and-tested winner.
E.) Confidence is king. If you don’t think it’s funny or question yourself, your audience will sense it. Be sure of yourself. Go in with great material.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is a former contributing writer to USA Football, the youth arm of the NFL, a former football coach, and the editor of Sports Feel Good Stories.
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